Pride weighs us down.

I received a really challenging idea in my inbox this week, courtesy of Ariane Goodwin's smARTist Mailing List. She was discussing artistic self-esteem, and how sometimes low self-esteem is actually pride in disguise ("pride and ambition running amok" as she put it). She suggests that sometimes artists are too focused on the highest levels of recognition, ability, and income, beyond their current level. So instead we convince ourselves we're worthless rather than be content with the moderate success we can have now.

"...If you really want to see your work on the walls of MOMA, you might find it easier to believe you're no good than to keep making art that simply sells."

I know I've been guilty of this. Just because I'm not the best doesn't mean I should give up. God sovereignly distributes gifting as he chooses, the good servant is the one who invests what he has and brings a proportionate return, not the one who hides for fear of inadequacy.

If only the best birds sing, the forest would be a quiet place!
- Rachel Naomi Remen

No excuses

An instructor at school had written on the whiteboard:

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
-Richard Bach

I'm finding this to be true. Though it has been extremely helpful to get around artists who are further along than I, and begin to develop an informed perspective on what my strengths and weaknesses are, I'm noticing a tendency to take their constructive criticism and turn it into excuses.

"Have you ever thought about doing storyboards?"
"Yeah, I could, but I need to work on my film knowledge more."

"So are you trying to pursue any major clients?"
"No, I don't think I'm good enough yet, I need to stick with small stuff for now."

"Hey you should submit your portfolio to that gallery [that you love and visit every month], your work would totally fit in."
"Yeah, one day I want to, but I need to make new stuff first."

While each of these statements may have some wisdom and truth to them, the attitude that spawns them is more one of inferiority and risk-aversion. To some extent, I need to just take risks. Maybe I won't get into the gallery with my current work, but I can always try again when some new stuff is ready. Maybe I haven't done storyboards much, but I can start with a small job and learn on the go.

The ironic thing I've realized is that in my perceived unreadiness for the opportunities I aspire to, I've been leaning more on graphic design jobs that come by. Yet on the grand scale of expertise, I'm just as inexperienced as a graphic designer, and everything I've learned in that discipline has been in the midst of working, leading to steady progress and more jobs. Maybe because my goal isn't to become a graphic designer, I'm not as afraid of falling short. But the point is that we grow as we tackle challenges we haven't mastered yet, and I suppose if I've made it this far, it must be possible to survive even when you make mistakes.

But anyway, enough with excuses. Take some risks where you'd really like to succeed.

Planning a course

A very successful friend of mine once gave me the advice not to try to "manage my career," i.e., he studied one thing in college, then found himself at early jobs in something else, then went back for a masters degree, and now in his thirties finds himself as CEO of a successful startup, doing something he never would have imagined at the start. It wasn't by setting an overarching goal but by maneuvering wisely through the situations he found himself in. Still, I imagine that at each point in the journey he must have had some sort direction, which enabled him to say yes to some opportunities and no to others, even if the eventual destinations weren't what he had envisioned.

Scripture says "in his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." (Prov 16:9) God certainly leads us along paths we can't predict towards destinations we hadn't imagined, I've seen that abundant times already. But it says "a man plans his course," like he has some idea of where he was headed, and then in the process of going, he finds God opening and closing doors along the way that may affect the path or the destination or both. It doesn't say where the man ends up, whether God's steps led him to his destination, or somewhere else. The outcome is something we just need to trust God with in the end, and with an open hand each step of the way. But here in the beginning, we find ourselves with the privilege (and responsibility) to plan for ourselves a course.

So where do we want to go?

A sore throat

This week, I've been suffering a sore throat, a hacking cough, and a small bout of discouragement. I've been taking dayquil for the cold, but the discouragement may need more of a perspective checkup...

I was super-encouraged by the first few weeks of these new classes, finding rapid growth as new ideas and techniques enable me to jump into some potential that had been lying dormant. But now it may be starting to plateau a bit, and the reality of long years of disciplined practice becomes more apparent. This is simply the reality of drawing, or building any skill, so it shouldn't be a deterrent. You start with some level of gift or talent, but then you must invest it and grow it through the hard work of cultivation. When I see an amazing artist like James Jean or Glen Keane, it doesn't mean "they have it and I don't," but just that they've taken what they had and have already made progress on the long road of development. I find myself standing at the beginning of that road, and the only way towards progress is one measured step after another. The daunting thing is that as I learn more, and struggle at each new stage, my depth of appreciation and ability to recognize excellence is growing. So the more I come to understand what makes Glen Keane so amazing, for example, the longer "the road" becomes. As a follower of Christ, this should be a familiar dilemma for me, though in that case, the road is infinite! What makes endurance possible is grace, knowing that God accepts me where I am, and is himself at work to bring me along to where he'd like me to be.

Perhaps along with the cough syrup, a dose of grace will help on this artistic journey as well. However long the journey takes, the only way I'll survive is by appreciating each step for what it is, and realizing that as an artist, I'll always have a spot on God's refrigerator, not because I'm really really good, but because I'm his child.

atmosphere of admiration

I am so impressed by what I've seen of the animation community so far. There's a wonderful "atmosphere of admiration" - artists working alongside each other, all striving to improve wherever they're at and encouraging one another in the process, and communally looking to respected artists for inspiration, education, and innovation.

Whether it's for a famous dead artist, an obscure illustrator, or the top contemporary names in animation, there's a pervasive sense of respect for the artists who have worked hard to produce great stuff. People in the industry seem to know the artists by name, even when their work is part of a film made by hundreds, and they recognize them for their unique style, ability, and contributions. Though it's the drawings that we interact with and admire, the work is never detached from the individual who created it.

What's great is that the admiration is all-inclusive, it's not about who is "the best." The more great artists the better! Different artists work in different media (animation, comics, illustration, fine art) with different styles and different strengths, and each one can be appreciated for their unique strengths and contributions. Each discovery of a new artist is another reason to get excited!! The only limiting factor of course, is the size of your bookshelf (and budget).

So far people also seem very willing to help and to share expertise. Perhaps they realize (as I've been coming to realize), that "self-taught artist" is something of a myth, and they're eager to pass on help, knowing the abundance of help they must have received to get where they are today.

I'm sure there's a dark side to the animation world (as in all human interaction), but I like what I've seen so far!

A time to embrace...

I am so excited!

After a few years of having artistic development on the backburner, it seems the time has been coming to embrace it once again.

Recent months have brought some amazing opportunities... from a chance encounter with the extremely generous Paul Felix at Disney, to more extended exposure to the enthusiastic teaching of Mike Matessi at his Entertainment Art Academy. With help from experienced artists like these, I'm finally learning to see that my work needs work, and specifically what areas to improve upon. It's been really inspiring! I'm fortunate to start with some good raw talent, which through experience has been able to get me this far... but like any skill, it needs cultivation through discipline, diligence, and the direction of someone who knows things I don't!

"The artist is nothing without the gift,
but the gift is nothing without work."
- Emile Zola

So this year I've started taking some drawing classes, back to the basics of perspective and the figure, and it's been helping so much!! In some ways I feel like I've been learning to draw for the first time, not just in markmaking skills, but in learning to see with the eyes and understanding of a draftsman. With it has come a deeper sense of appreciation, both for the work of other artists who have excelled in their craft, and for the work of the Creator and all the care, detail, and design he has poured into this world.

Alongside the classes, I'm starting out in some new directions work-wise, and learning to survive as a freelance artist. Who knows where this will lead, but already it's been a great challenge to grow from, for business and organization as much as for art. Tomorrow I'm starting up my first major illustration job and I get paid to practice the skills I've been learning in class!!

If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm pretty excited.